Who counsels a counselor and how do they counsel them? Who treats a doctor? Who represents a lawyer in court?
Among the gifts God gave me has been being trusted and believed in by those around me. The gift of appearing okay many times just on the surface when deep down I’m in pieces!
In high school, I remember how I would at times put up a good show and appear like all is well when nothing is well! People would come asking me for instance, “But how do you manage not to run out of money?” When actually the answer I will not tell them is “by not having money to run out of.” “How do you manage to speak to multitudes of people without a quake?” When deep down I know, at that moment, when I was speaking, internally there was an earth quake; butterflies in the stomach, and if only they had looked harder, they would see that I was shaking.
There are people, who would give me there money for transport back home, and ask me not to give it to them before the term ends no matter what. Meaning they trusted me more than themselves, and sure they would get the actual cash notes they gave me at the end of the term despite my personal struggles.
Armed with the belief in me by people around me, my confidence started soaring, my self worth and self esteem started peaking, and the memories of my village background started dimming into oblivion. I realised I was, actually, a some body.
I however have had moments when I have struggled with myself and situations, moments when I doubt myself, when I gnaw with indignation at how low a mark I hit on something, when I wish somebody actually sees beyond my looks. This often times happens when;
* When a child asks a question and I have mo answer for it.
* When a friend asks me for help and I’m not in position to help. (Often times financial.)
*When I run for an election and I do not make it.
*When I have an appointment and I do not keep time.
*Whenever academic results would return and deep down I knew I’m better than what is on that report.
*When I’m in an exam and cannot find what to write yet I know had I read, I would surely ace it.
*When I apply for a contested opportunity and miss it.
*When I make new year resolutions, time tables, and plans then fail to follow them through.
*When I know She would be the right one for me, and perhaps I was not clear with my signals, yet clearly I cannot offer what she deserves.
*When I break the rules, everytime saying ‘ok this is the last time.’
*When I fall short…
The feelings of hollowness, the doubts, the questions of ‘maybe they/I over rated myself engulf me, and in that instant I question everything including my worth.
But then I sit myself down and talk to “ME”
Composed to impress this panel that is Matanda I go,
“Abu- clearly you cannot have an answer to every question in life…
You cannot offer help to everyone who needs it…
You are simply human and could not predict the future…
You may not necessarily be the best in the world, in anything but you sure are good at somethings, and many look upto you, if you cannot, at least get up and keep moving for yourself, do it for those people.” And in that instant; I smile, collect my smile, and limp on. So my blossoming like a flower, has seasons, my confidence and happiness also wanes for its an emotion. But when it’s up, I maximise it, and when it’s down, I trim its effect as deep as can be:_ and that is the story of my life.
I know we all struggle with many insecurities, maybe you are not brown enough, maybe not tall enough, Maybe not rich enough, maybe not schooled enough, but one thing I’m sure of, you have something in you, a pull that keeps swaying you towards something; do that, do it the best way you Can and sure, as night follows day, you will not regret.